My Dream Job Shines Bright

I am plagued by the vagary of potential

A Poem by Eric

My dream job shines bright in the night.
It beckons with luminescent promise.
Is it a lighthouse leading me into safe harbor?
Or the false promise of a bug zapper 
Luring me into charged coils,
Designed to fry me upon impact?

For decades I've seen the glow in the distance--
Sometimes flown toward it,
Sometimes hovered near 
Or around it,
But always, in the end
Afraid to make any commitment,
Returning daily to my comfortable nest
Formed of bland routine
And sustainable income.

From time to time
I'd take tentative steps
Up the corporate ladder
Only to leap off of my own volition
Before reaching any heights of
Accountability or responsibility.
Now, I watch peers advancing
To vice presidents and CFOs
And, though I don't begrudge them 
Their success, I can't help wondering
If keeping my head down so long
Was the best career move.

I try to reassure myself that 
My values -- freedom, flexibility, autonomy --
Are worthy pursuits. But
What have I done with these blessings
That balances the cost
Of judging myself a failure?

My parents and my culture
Sowed the myth that
I could be anything I wanted.
But, even at a young age,
I knew that was a self-evident lie.
And, besides, even if it were true,
I would still be left with 
The disappointment of not being able 
To be everything that I wanted.

They filled my head with notions,
Told me I was full of something called 
"Potential."
Only now am I realizing--
(And only some of the time)
That this was a mirage.
My pursuit of this tantalizing ideal,
Propelled me forward 
From time to time,
But usually only served to remind me,
(In ever so subtle whispers
To that place in my subconscious where
Identity is formed and solidified)
That I am deficient.
Maybe because of nature
Maybe because of nurture
Maybe I was to blame
Maybe I was not--
But, the fact remained 
(Or so it seemed)
That no matter where I went,
Potential always seemed to live above me
And my destiny was 
To always be looking up
To something I could hardly make out any more,
As I became more focused on 
The terrifying gap
Between it and me.

Postscript:
I don't blame my parents. 
I appreciate their desire
Of wanting me to believe
That I could be excellent.