Sunshine and High of 33

More than one kind of weather

I want to thank my friend Kaitlin
first of all for still being my friend,
(though she knows the truth of me)
but also for saying, yesterday,
are you trying to give 
a summer's day effort 
on a winter's day? 
or something to that effect.
A friend who hears "i'm struggling"
and has gentle words for that.
Pema reminds me that 
"it's just the weather." 
It passes, like these winds 
yanking the sparrow about
in the sharp snow. 
A hard day and a bad mood 
are temporary -- just wait. 
Tomorrow comes.
Who doesn't know this logic
in the head? Yet still it marinates 
in the day's chemical vat.
I made it, though. wahoo.
Yesterday was another day 
I reminded myself that offing oneself
isn't nice to others. So come on,
be a good girl -- don't harsh their vibe.
Pedal pedal pedal pedal
pedal pedal miserable freaking 
bike up the hill (who enjoys this crap)
knowing there will be / got to be
a smidge of downhill sometime
soon. Meanwhile, I replay 
Scenes from Other Days
when My Moods Betrayed Me
and I Was Rightly Punished for It.
Some people say oh don't wallow in
self-pity, be positive. I hold down
the bench at the library, 
carve fury into paper,
burn music into my ears,
positive that this is 
a storm passing 
through and breaking things. 
This is me 
so
!!self-love self love selflove!!
hey you how you doin
(no he didn't text back, 
but that's my fault, right?). 
I keep holding still,
sun down now -- it gets black so fast; 
I could go back on the meds, 
flush myself back into that reality, 
one without air. 
WHAT A WORLD!
WHAT A LIFE!
what a choice.
Bitter days don't last, 
but under a doctor's orders, 
they can
***transform!***  
to a muffled colorless dream.
I wonder how my daughter sees me, 
what a wreck, what a mess.
At least today there's sun.

"On the other side of every cloud is a blue and faultless sky. I feel most like myself when I'm in the clouds. The sky is not the limit, your mind is."

— Unknown