This is the nature of the human world
Reflections from an angry chicken
I’ve come to discover in my 5+ decades that people come with all kinds of different temperaments.
I’ve been continually amazed to be in the presence of folks who seem blessed with natural patience.
Perhaps they grew up in a patient household? I did not. Reflecting now, I often wonder what undiagnosed mental health issues my mother may have suffered from that made her so impatient.
Anxiety? Most likely. ADHD? Maybe (there’s some of that in her offspring and grandkids). Depression? No. That came from my Dad’s side of the family.
On the Path
I’ve been really fortunate that, from the age of 14, my parents connected me with counselor to help support my mental health needs. Over the years, I’ve always felt able to ask for help when I’ve needed it, and have had terrific therapists who have guided me along the way.
But.
I’ve never been able to change who I am.
Which, I alternate being both grateful for, and royally frustrated by.
For a long time, I’ve been, well, mad. I suppose I would describe it best as volcanic activity. Now and then the pressure comes and some hot steam bursts forth.
Anger is not a thing that people like to have around them.
There are all kinds of different ways that people react.
Some folks become like turtles and disappear inside themselves.
Some become like snapping turtles and simply bite back for protection.
Others become forensic, listening carefully to collect evidence — so they can prove later your faults and misdeeds.
Some just seem to let it come and go — they’ve found a way to let anger exist, and to let it wash over them. Their compassion allows it to exist, and to float away.
There are a myriad other experiences with it I’m sure, but this is to say that anger, regardless of its reality in life, continues to be the bastard stepchild of human emotions.
With Good Reason
I’m, in no way, advocating being a proactively angry person. What I am saying, though, is that anger happens. It’s part of the human experience.
Recently, I had the pleasure of listening to and reflecting on a dharma talk on Tricycle Magazine by Buddhist monk Thanissaro Bhikkhu called “Skillful Approaches to Anger.”
For me, Buddhist teachings and yoga have been some of the most effective cognitive behavioral modifications for anger in my life.
Here’s what Thanissaro Bhikkhu says about anger in the world, and our mental fabrications of the idea of anger:
“The nature of human speech is that there’s kind speech and unkind speech, true speech and untrue speech, where it’s said with an attitude that means well to you and where it’s said with an attitude that doesn’t mean well to you.
“This is the nature of human speech everywhere. The fact that you’re subjected to that kind of unkind or untrue or ill-intentioned speech is nothing out of the ordinary.
“All too often we find a situation being totally horrible or totally unbearable. We think everything is so extraordinary — that we have extraordinary rights to react in a way. It’s not all that skillful.“But when you realize this is the nature of the human world, this is the nature of human speech, you back off.
“You realize that the action was not extraordinary, so your rights are not extraordinary either. These are some ways of helping you pull yourself out of the unskillful verbal fabrication that finds the situation unbearable.”
Hope at the Heart of It
As a person who struggles with anger — maybe more than the average Jo — hearing this reflection gave me hope. It’s not often that angry people are told that anger is “ok” — in any way shape or form.
Leave it to the Buddhists to state that unkindness is a fact of life.
Within the context of the dharma talk, Thanissaro Bhikkhu offers three ways of being different in the present in order to be more skillful with the reality of anger and unkindness — whether isn’t something one is feeling towards others or having directed towards them.
I won’t go more into the specific teachings. I recommend this wonderful 20-minute video for everyone — especially if you struggle managing your own anger, or if you struggle with an oversized (dis-compassionate) response to it (like avoidance).
What is the judgment?
And for some people (like me), managing anger is the every-damn-day work of trying to “be better.” It’s not every now and then — it’s a very real part-time job that I’ve had my whole adult life.
Sometimes I get so mad about that simple fact! Why am I having to do all this work alone and no one else is? Is it because I am a woman and being angry is less accepted? Why ME????
You can see how easily the scripts unfold: I’ve felt frustrated, oppressed, abandoned, unseen in different ways through my life. I do the work for myself, but I know it impacts my family, friends, opportunities in my life.
The work I do to better understand myself and to make space has gone a long way to reduce the number of “volcanic” moments.
But, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve never been able to change who I am. I am still me.
I Breathe, Therefore I Am
One of the best things I ever discovered, 30+ years ago, was volunteer work. The expression of my energy outward, in caring for others in need, was not only helpful for others. It also seemed to put me at ease. It created in me a space for compassion that I doubt I would have known otherwise.
The big score of doing internal work while also sharing myself energetically with others is that it has increased my compassion for others tenfold — especially their emotional experiences.
Is it perfect? Of course not! I still experience the trigger of volcanic activity when I am misperceiving the present moment.
As Thanissaro Bhikkhu says:
“And then there are the perceptions: your perceptions about the situation— the person who has done or said something horrible is either a monster or a pig—and your perception of anger as being your way of showing your power in the world and being a warrior in the world.
“Now, the problem is many times we act on our anger thinking that we're doing something skillful, something that’s to our benefit or the benefit of those we love.
“We find out later that this is not the case and that we've actually created trouble for ourselves. This is where the Buddha says we have to bring knowledge to these processes.”
Listening to this monk lay out the burdens of anger on one’s mind and life is incredibly helpful — and nonjudgmental.
Taking time to do hard and honest work with myself, I face again the trouble I created for myself.
And usually it takes time, you know? Knee-jerk fixes don’t exist for me.
Because like any average human, I can get very busy re-visiting in my mind the “the unpleasant sound (that) has made contact with the ear” — the one I couldn’t let myself ignore, so I keep replaying.
So I live with myself. Thus, I am the maker of my own frustrations, my own walls, my own battles with the world. I also get to be the maker of my own separate peace.
Today and everyday I rise up, with my breath, to hopefully, this time, breathe through the noise, and respond compassionately — to myself and to others.
“No matter how strange that person may be or how unconnected that person may be to you, you’ve got to feel compassion.”
Thanissaro Bhikkhu
Love this very relatable writing. My nickname as a child was Angry. I’ve written a song “Everything makes me mad.” Anger at times has ruled and ruined my life. I love the thinking of Thanissaro Bhikkhu, ah compassion. Therapy, meds, and doing more of what I like has helped over the past few years. It was suggested to me that my depression presents as anger instead of sadness, which is typically seen more in boys. I don’t know if any of that is true but I had never thought of my anger as depression before. Oh and all that toxic positivity that became so popular def pushed us angry folks further to the edges.