Viggo Returns

The Truth, straight from the vulture's beak

Original short fiction by Eric Vajentic

Tweet tweet motherf*ckers.

You may have heard about me recently? You know — Viggo the “vegetarian vulture”?

I was the centerpiece of a “exposè” in this very location by Mr. Eric Vajentic.

Let me just say, he doesn't know what in the fuck he was talking about.

Vegetarian vulture?

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I love meat.

Especially when it's dead.

I could sink my teeth with joy into the decaying flesh of the most vile of roadkill rodents.

I would floss with the intestines of your beloved pets.

The truth is, Mr. Eric Vajentic was hired as a scribe by my Uncle Vito, in an effort to discredit me because I was threatening to take over the family business.

My parents are pushovers, so doing away with them would have been as easy as pulling an intestine out of a roadkill possum with half a beak and my beady eyes matted shut.

Uncle Vito, however, knows the ins and outs of the family dynamics.

He knew that, had I ascended to the throne, he would have been the first on my list to sending flying away, as we say in the business.

He calls me a vegetarian?  All I can say, is whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Let's just say, I've never seen Uncle Vito make a second trip to the buffet.

Of course, he was the biggest proponent of sending me off to conversion therapy, as if he was afraid he might find himself in that very position.

I admit, it may not have been a great idea to cross a vega-phobic vulture uncle that has power designs of his own.

But, it's okay, I'm enjoying my new life with my friend Chad, the OCD pig, and Eddie, the hound dog that couldn't smell his way out of an escape room filled with farts.  

We have started a cover band here in Winslow, Arizona with the lonely guitar player we came across standing on the corner, pining after women driving by.

Still, rest assured, one of these days, I'll fly back northeast to crush my Uncle Vito under vengeance-seeking talons.

I'll force feed him the rotten meat of his own corpse.

I will become the boss of carrion removal from Minneapolis all the way to Dallas.  

Vengeance will be my name.

I am black.

I am vulture.

And I am pissed off.