I wouldn't call you lazy Paul... It's ok to have a place to write things that aren't personal. Unless you want to and you find you can't. That's something I have been trying very hard to work on. My mom used to have a lot to say about people being lazy -- but I think we aren't lazy. We tend to shy away from things that are truly difficult at a soul level. Then redirect ourselves to an effort that is meaningful and worthy -- but allows us to navigate shallower waters. It makes sense. As Tracy Chapman sings "All that you have is your soul." It's not easy to go walking around in that place, disturbing dust bunnies.
I think most of us have a different vision of ourselves, than what the people around us, see in us.
And I think absorbing the "close by angst" of all the people around us who we love, as well as being painfully aware of the angst in our community, and the world, is very heavy buckets to carry.
So I tend to set most of my buckets down. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I can't carry all that weight.
And I have to decide which bucket I'll carry, and how full I will allow it to become.
And holy cow, carrying that single bucket of angst along with my own inner angst, remains exhausting.
But then I remember do we all need to be perfect all the time? Do we have to present ~an unbothered, unruffled human~ to the world?
Probably only in the last 20 years have I become comfortable in my own skin, with my own rumpledness. It's not that I don't care, it's just that in the big scheme of things how I look, how I behave, the food I eat, whatever it is that I drink, really doesn't matter.
For me, how I treat others is the most important thing I can do. And in treating others as well as I can, I also treat myself... As well as I can. We are hard on ourselves, and I'm not sure why.
So "be nice to others" is my motto, which I know sounds pretty childish, but since 90% of my day is spent around children, (many who are nonverbal and struggling with their own demons), I figure I can be childlike in my hope.
Your friends and family see a myriad of amazing things within you. Never forget that.
Zed, I love this confession. I think it rings so true for all of us, and maybe that's the answer to your value question. But, I know, if your mind works like mind, you won't accept such a simple answer. I've increasingly come to question the whole dynamic of the goal of getting somewhere. This constant yearning for something else, something better--it may be good for producing great art, but, wow, it can be rough on the soul. And, that feeling of loneliness you speak of, I think that's what we are all trying to alleviate in some way or another. But, alas, I'm not sure if it can be done. I think there is always a part of us that, no matter how much we want it to be seen, will always be alone. This perfect union, or communion, that we seek, well, I think (or, hope) that maybe that's what heaven is like. Here on earth, I feel like I'm stuck with the tension of trying to accept these conclusions I'm coming to, or continuing to fight against them. Both options require so much energy, and neither get me any closer to the undefined goals that I think I'm wanting to achieve. Life is so tricky. Am I responsible for making it that way? Do I have a choice? I know one thing--communicating with other like minded people has been the closest I've felt to whatever it is I'm looking for....
" Life is so tricky. Am I responsible for making it that way? Do I have a choice?" Those are the questions I keep asking myself too. I have a few family members who aren't very self aware (or don't seem to be?) and I often wonder what it would be like to be like that. The self-questioning -- it wears me out. And in part it does help to know others are going through the same thing. But also, that send me down that path of wondering, again, then WHAT IS THE POINT?
I chuckled when I read that, I think all of us have family members who are a little less self aware, or perhaps we just don't share what's going on in their heads. And there are so many people who go through life with blinders on, and I don't know if it's self-preservation, or fear, or something else.
These last two years have been horrible for just about everybody, and social media has made "awareness" a commodity. I think my hardest lesson in life, was understanding that I can't change other people, and hell, I really can't fix anybody else. All I can do is offer my examples.
These last two years have definitely been life altering -- emotionally! Not being able to change people is weird -- but I guess we are able to "influence" people in the way we act in the world. That is good. Thanks Marty.
Thanks, E.! It **does** take me a lot of effort to get deep into my soul and express my thoughts in a publicly acceptable form.
Paul, I am not sure that kind of truth-telling has any kind of "publicly acceptable" form :-) It just is what it is.
Thanks for your honesty, Elizabeth. I tend to shy away from anything that deep in my blog - maybe out of laziness. I appreciate your writing!
I wouldn't call you lazy Paul... It's ok to have a place to write things that aren't personal. Unless you want to and you find you can't. That's something I have been trying very hard to work on. My mom used to have a lot to say about people being lazy -- but I think we aren't lazy. We tend to shy away from things that are truly difficult at a soul level. Then redirect ourselves to an effort that is meaningful and worthy -- but allows us to navigate shallower waters. It makes sense. As Tracy Chapman sings "All that you have is your soul." It's not easy to go walking around in that place, disturbing dust bunnies.
I think most of us have a different vision of ourselves, than what the people around us, see in us.
And I think absorbing the "close by angst" of all the people around us who we love, as well as being painfully aware of the angst in our community, and the world, is very heavy buckets to carry.
So I tend to set most of my buckets down. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I can't carry all that weight.
And I have to decide which bucket I'll carry, and how full I will allow it to become.
And holy cow, carrying that single bucket of angst along with my own inner angst, remains exhausting.
But then I remember do we all need to be perfect all the time? Do we have to present ~an unbothered, unruffled human~ to the world?
Probably only in the last 20 years have I become comfortable in my own skin, with my own rumpledness. It's not that I don't care, it's just that in the big scheme of things how I look, how I behave, the food I eat, whatever it is that I drink, really doesn't matter.
For me, how I treat others is the most important thing I can do. And in treating others as well as I can, I also treat myself... As well as I can. We are hard on ourselves, and I'm not sure why.
So "be nice to others" is my motto, which I know sounds pretty childish, but since 90% of my day is spent around children, (many who are nonverbal and struggling with their own demons), I figure I can be childlike in my hope.
Your friends and family see a myriad of amazing things within you. Never forget that.
The problem with travel is that wherever I go I’m there.
This sounds funny, but in fact, it's quite true and a little heartbreaking. But also funny. I love you Georgie.
Zed, I love this confession. I think it rings so true for all of us, and maybe that's the answer to your value question. But, I know, if your mind works like mind, you won't accept such a simple answer. I've increasingly come to question the whole dynamic of the goal of getting somewhere. This constant yearning for something else, something better--it may be good for producing great art, but, wow, it can be rough on the soul. And, that feeling of loneliness you speak of, I think that's what we are all trying to alleviate in some way or another. But, alas, I'm not sure if it can be done. I think there is always a part of us that, no matter how much we want it to be seen, will always be alone. This perfect union, or communion, that we seek, well, I think (or, hope) that maybe that's what heaven is like. Here on earth, I feel like I'm stuck with the tension of trying to accept these conclusions I'm coming to, or continuing to fight against them. Both options require so much energy, and neither get me any closer to the undefined goals that I think I'm wanting to achieve. Life is so tricky. Am I responsible for making it that way? Do I have a choice? I know one thing--communicating with other like minded people has been the closest I've felt to whatever it is I'm looking for....
" Life is so tricky. Am I responsible for making it that way? Do I have a choice?" Those are the questions I keep asking myself too. I have a few family members who aren't very self aware (or don't seem to be?) and I often wonder what it would be like to be like that. The self-questioning -- it wears me out. And in part it does help to know others are going through the same thing. But also, that send me down that path of wondering, again, then WHAT IS THE POINT?
I chuckled when I read that, I think all of us have family members who are a little less self aware, or perhaps we just don't share what's going on in their heads. And there are so many people who go through life with blinders on, and I don't know if it's self-preservation, or fear, or something else.
These last two years have been horrible for just about everybody, and social media has made "awareness" a commodity. I think my hardest lesson in life, was understanding that I can't change other people, and hell, I really can't fix anybody else. All I can do is offer my examples.
These last two years have definitely been life altering -- emotionally! Not being able to change people is weird -- but I guess we are able to "influence" people in the way we act in the world. That is good. Thanks Marty.